Why Going to the Beach is a Stupid Idea
by Da Games Elite
Summary: Haruhi decides that wearing clothing in the summer is too hot and restricting, so...beach trip! Hilarity ensues as women are forced into bathing suits, watermelons are punctured, and the fate of the world hangs in the balance. Also, bathing suits.


**Why Going to the Beach is a Stupid Idea**

**By Da Games Elite**

It all started when Haruhi Suzumiya felt too hot for her shirt. Sure, classes were over. Sure, they were in the SOS Brigade room. Still, how could she delude herself into thinking just tossing off her school uniform in the club room was a good idea? Sure, Yuki Nagato was too captivated by a book to care, and Mikuru Asahina had seen Haruhi's nude skin probably a billion times in the past. Still, there was Koizumi-no, wait, Koizumi didn't bat an eye at this either. Sometimes that guy was in his own little world. Maybe one day he could take me there with them.

I, however, was of sound mind, of sound disposition, so I reacted accordingly.

Okay, maybe forcing the uniform back on Haruhi was a bit of an overreaction, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

"Hey! Cut it out!" Haruhi finished her compelling defense for nudism by punching me squarely in the middle, before tossing her uniform onto the desk. "It's not like I'm walking around naked." True, her bra was still on, and she kept her skirt and high socks on. Still, this was a little too much skin for school.

"Look, you can't just take your clothing off whenever you feel like it." Did I really have to explain this to a teenage girl? Even Haruhi couldn't be this dense.

Haruhi feigned innocence, but, Haruhi being Haruhi, she could barely contain that excited little grin of hers. "It's too hot to wear uniforms right now. I'm gonna die if I keep it on a second longer." Haruhi shot a glance at poor, tender Asahina, who visibly drew backward, blush filling her cheeks. "Don't you agree?"

"I-"

"You want to change out of that stuffy uniform too, don't you?"

Stepping to Asahina's side as a dashing white knight, I said, firmly, "No! It's just indecent. If you're that hot, then just go to the beach or something."

At the time, I thought this might at most knock sense into the walking goddess, and, at worst, be brushed off with some insane response. I never expected her to actually consider this answer, and just grin.

I hate those grins.

The next thing I know, Haruhi-who compromised to put on a uniform outside of the Brigade room-dragged us to the trains, without explanation, and sat us down. Koizumi didn't question it, though I could tell he was slightly perturbed by the whole thing. Maybe. It's hard to tell what he's thinking half the time. Nagato, of course, had her nose in a book. Was she confused by this? If so, she hid it well. She seemed to just go with the flow here. She tended to do that. Asahina was just as confused as I was. "Where are we going?" the wonderfully endowed girl asked, her eyes sparkling in confusion.

Haruhi grinned. "Oh, isn't it obvious? We're going to the beach!"

"Wait, the beach?" I stared at her, flustered. Of course. I had to say it. I couldn't say "the pool" or "alone in your room before taking a shower." No. Beach. Of course. Specifically that. "It's almost five!"

"So?"

"Well-I mean, it's kinda late for the beach, isn't it?"

"Too late? For the beach?" The look Haruhi gave me reminded me of the look the Pope would give a heretic. Patronizing contempt filled her eyes. "Please. You mean you've never gone to the beach just before sunset before?"

"Why would I? Do you know how long it'll take to get there? To get back? It could take hours."

It did.

By the time we got there, the sun was going to set. We'd spend more time on the train than we'd spend having fun. Of course, the second issue with spontaneous beach going presented itself at that precise moment.

Koizumi, after descending from cloud nine, brought it to their attention. "It seems that we don't have any bathing suits, do we?"

I don't know why I didn't think of that sooner. Probably because I was so dead set against beach-going at all I didn't see the obvious issues. No bathing suit? They couldn't splash in the ocean. That simple. Well, that was an entire day wasted, a day Kyon could've spent at home, reading a book, playing with his cat, organizing his folder of Asahina pictures. Something productive.

It was at this moment Haruhi ducked into her backpack, and withdrew a two piece. Of course she'd have one in hand-no, wait, three? Three bathing suits? Asahina's eyes widened as Haruhi wrapped an arm around her waist-and Nagato's. Mikuru was obviously in shock, aware of just what was going to happen, and how there was literally nothing she could do to delay her fate. Nagato, on the other hand, was more upset that her book slipped from her hands and landed in the sand.

"We'll be right back boys." Haruhi sprinted off, guiding Nagato and dragging poor, beautiful Asahina to the changing den thing. "Quite dragging your feet, Mikuru, or else I'll drag you by them."

As I picked up Yuki's book, brushing the sand off of it, Koizumi turned. Of course. More wonderful news from the group's ray of sunshine. "I think we need to go along with this whole thing."

"Lemme guess. If we don't let her have fun-"

"-end of the world as we know it."

"Okay, what could possibly go wrong if we don't let her?"

"Well, I don't want to scare you, but theoretically, if Haruhi really wanted to go to the beach that badly, she could turn the whole world into a beach. Maybe she'll just flood the inside of every landmass until they're huge donut holes with sandbars on every side. Or she could retroactively change the face of the earth. Billions of species could be wiped out, and, eventually, mankind as we know it would cease to exist." He was still wearing that trademark smile of his. "I suppose you can say it would be bad."

"How do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Talk about horrible stuff while still remaining so damn cheerful?"

"Practice."

After a few minutes, the girls were allowed to leave the changing rooms by their fearless leader. Yuki was dressed in a rather form fitting one-piece. Apparently Haruhi had some decency after all. It was blue, and was a little tight against her slender waist. I never really noticed it before now, but Nagato has a nice figure. Her hips are just a little wider than her bust, sure, and I'm not really the type to ogle girl's hips, but she looked cuddly.

Haruhi of course came out with her trademark grin. I probably could see her wisdom teeth in the back of her mouth, that's how big it was when she was laughing. Again, had to admit, Haruhi looked really, really adorable in that bathing suit. Sexy, even. I mean, sure, her figure wans't nearly as voluptuous as Mikuru's, and, even with that bikini of hers, it didn't make her look quite as, well, curvy. Still, the black bikini suited her. "Yes! That took a little effort, but it all worked out in the end. Mikuru, show them your sexy figure. Mikuru? Hey, cut it out, don't hide behind me-"

Poor Asahina was crouched behind Haruhi. With a little pushing and shoving, she was presented to the rest of the SOS Brigade. The reactions went as followed: unimpressed, bemused, and just a tad enraged. Guess which was me?

"A BUNNY BATHING SUIT? You put her in a bunny bathing suit?" A bunny suit at the beach? Really? Was I the only one who saw an issue with this?

"Now, Kyon, it is a nice looking suit," Koizumi rationalized, resting a hand on my shoulder to calm me down. I knew what he wanted me to do. Just go with the flow. Let Haruhi have her fun, or else the entire world would go kaput. No, not happening. Even if Asahina looked irresistible in that outfit, it was still just wrong.

Mikuru blushed again, and crouched behind Haruhi. Her defender/attacker, however, seemed blissfully proud of her work, as if she didn't understand the moral ramifications of stripping someone naked and forcing them into an uncomfortable yet incredibly sexy outfit. "I got it for a buck at the thrift store. You know, those places have real good deals."

"Why did you even have those on you?"

"Oh, I was planning on advertising some new SOS activity with Mikuru in this lil' number. Pretty clever, huh?" Haruhi patted Mikuru's bare shoulder, the bunny ears tucked into her ginger hair drooping slightly. Her pink two piece-plastered with bunny logos and American writing, strained against her soft flesh, her cleavage more noticeable because of it.

…forgive me, Asahina.

"Okay, so now that we're here, what do we do?" Judging by how Haruhi's face fell when I asked that, she hadn't thought that far ahead. What I didn't expect was for her to grab her skirt, and sprint off into the distance. After a few seconds of awkward silence, I turned toward the others. "Now what?"

"Um, I kind of want to go for a bit of a swim, if that's okay," Asahina asked, her eyes pleading.

"Sure." I handed Nagato her book back, at which she plopped herself down in the sand, and took in the setting sun. Maybe Yuki didn't mind being dragged off to the beach like this. What else did she have to do today? If anything, she looked the most comfortable with the situation out of all of us.

I ran off to the water with Asahina, ready to enjoy her skin shimmering as salt water splashed against it. I had a fantasy like this once. Maybe Haruhi's insanity was good. Maybe I could take something pleasurable away from this all. Maybe-

My fantasy was ruined when Haruhi shouted my name, a watermelon over her head. "Hey! C'mon! Let's do something fun!"

I sighed, running a hand over my face. "Where did you get that?"

"Oh, I bought it."

"Bought it?"

"From a guy."

That didn't sound sketchy at all.

I pulled the watermelon out of her hands. The insides were sloshing around, as if it were just filled with water. "You can't eat this."

A bloodthirsty glint filled Haruhi's eyes, fists balled up passionately, her smile wider than ever. "Oh, I don't want to eat it. I wanna smash it to bits!"

"That's an even worse idea. This thing's got no guts."

"Then I'll just spill its blood everywhere! Think of all the watermelon blood! And then we can splash it on Mikuru, and make her look like a Playboy Bunny gone on a killing spree! It'll be awesome! Oh, and Koizumi-he could be the victim!"

"Oh dear!" Koizumi feigned shock and horror. "Me? A victim? With what weapon?"

"Well, you see, it wouldn't be any fun if we just beat the watermelon with a bat like everyone else, so I got creative." Haruhi pulled a pick ax from behind her back. She held it so casually in her hands, the point of the weapon inches from my face. I jumped back in alarm, in defense, with a hint of reason.

"Okay, you did not buy that from some guy."

"Of course not. I just borrowed it from one of the security guards. I promised to return it before they noticed it was gone, so what's the big deal?"

Theft. Oh, goodie. This beach trip just got better and better.

I turned to Nagato, hoping for some cold rationalization as to why beating a watermelon with a weapon meant to chip away ice and roots was a bad idea. I found her as I left her: reading. Did she even notice that Haruhi had brought a potential murder weapon into the water smashing contest?

Haruhi shoved the pick ax into Mikuru's hands. She nearly fumbled it, almost dropping the point down into her face. She was red, frantically glancing at anyone else to take the weapon from her. "I-I don't even know what to do-"

"Just whack it!" Haruhi took a few steps backward, as did the rest of us. Mikuru was trembling, staring at the fruit with apprehension-terror-even a little bit of anger at being forced into this situation. She drew the object back, arms trembling, and brought it down.

Many things happened at once. First, the bunny ears must've gotten caught on a splinter on the staff part of the pick ax, because, as she brought the pick ax down, those ears went flying toward the ocean. The second thing was that, upon slamming the ax down into the watermelon, as predicted, rather than fruit flesh, red water squirted out of the thing. This wouldn't be so bad, however, if the third thing hadn't happened.

The water landed on Yuki's book.

Haruhi sprinted after the bunny ears, a look of frantic desperation in her eyes as she ran away from the inevitable bloodbath that was about to commence. Nagato was not known for her expressive face. Many people who met her would strike her off as downright incapable of expressing emotion. Some might argue that she had no idea what emotions were, or that she did feel deep down some things but was just incapable of expressing them.

There was no doubt about it now, though. Yuki Nagato was furious.

With deliberate, slow, but tense steps, she approached Mikuru, and snatched the pick ax from her hands, the watermelon still attached. Water continued to leak out the hole as the alien heaved the weapon up, parallel to the ground. Fear filled Asahina's eyes as she backed away, trembling to her toes. "I-I-I'm sorry, Yuki, I-"

There was nothing any of us could say. Yuki swung the pick ax at Mikuru's face. At first, I thought she was going to kill the poor girl, but then I realized that Mikuru was out of the weapon's range.

So, evidently, did Yuki.

The watermelon flew off the edge of the pick ax, and soared directly into Asahina's face. It splattered like a water balloon, red water splashing all over her bathing suit, body, and-well, everything around her. Like my uniform. I patted it feebly with my hands, stupidly hoping I could sponge it off with my skin. Koizumi came out of it alright, but Mikuru collapsed to the floor, twitching weakly out of shock.

Yuki tossed the weapon aside, and walked back to the book. With a sharp whisper, words flying from her lips at impossible speeds, she broke the laws of physics, the pages drying up instantly, the running ink returning to its proper location. Then, after defying reality, she sat back down in the sand, and returned to her book.

The moral? Don't screw with Yuki.

It was only then that I turned toward the ocean, and saw Haruhi swimming out father than she ought to. That idiot! What was she trying to do? Oh, the bunny ears. Well, Haruhi was a great swimmer, so she ought to be okay with this-

Wait, was the tide pulling her farther out?

It was instinct that made me run to the shore, the water lapping up against my toes. "Hey! Haruhi! You gotta drift over. Get over here." She shouldn't try fighting the tide. She'd just wear herself out and let herself get carried off into the ocean.

Haruhi glanced over, and shouted back, "Mikuru's ears are over here. Hang on. I almost got 'em."

The idiot was going to drown over some stupid rabbit ears? Of course. Typical Haruhi, going to extreme lengths for the silliest of things. Still, the last thing I wanted was to see her get killed over something as superficial as dollar bin rabbit ears.

"Listen, Haruhi, if you don't come back, I'll swim over and grab you."

"I'm a better swimmer than you."

Couldn't argue with the facts.

After a few seconds, Haruhi lifted her hand triumphantly, the rabbit ears secured between her strong fingers. "Got 'em." She began to paddle back. Again, stupid. Didn't she listen to what he said? She'd wear herself out. Only exceptionally strong-

No, wait, she wasn't swimming toward the beach. She was coming in on an angle.

The tide did carry her back to the shore, but she had found a way to direct herself right at my feet. She rose up, smirking, slicking her wet hair back over her shoulders. That childish grin was still on her lips, so wide that her eyes were scrunched up. She held out the ears like some fish she had just caught on the line, but not just any fish, a twenty pound bass. "Got it. See? I know what I'm doing."

Of course she did.

Somehow, Haruhi always knew what she was doing.


End file.
